The Un-Holy Ghost.

I am your past
You came from me
I am your future
You shall go into me.
I am your present
You wait for me.
Even in the silence of the night
When the world falls asleep
My voice resounds in your head.
Even when you sleep alone
You feel my presence around you.
Is it my ghost which surrounds you-
Or is it hallucination-
I, who, am no more-
I, who, shall be no more-
I, who has never been-
Am I the Ultimate Power?

You manifest me in the clocks,
On the dials and the glittering screens-
On the towers-
You fit in me a gong,
To tell you about all that you have lost-
That which you had-
But no more.

I, the little voice in your head-
I, the slight whiff of sanity-
I, the restraint in your heart-
I, the wizard of temptations-
I?

I am Your Being.
I am Your Ghost-
Of Past, Present and Future.

Bereft.

The silent tears,
The unspoken fears,
The anxiety of existence-
The dilemma of resistance.

The gaping holes-
Widening gradually,
Suck in the light-
Infusing darkness-
Within me and outside, too.

A black hole
In the white sky-
Or a white star
In the black cosmos-
What should I see?
My eyes are misty-
I have not had a glimpse
Nor heard the voice-
From where do I get
Myself back-

When all that I had
Was taken away by you.

Confines.

Little boxes hold us-
Those little rooms
Of identities-
Lost and claimed,
Inherited and earned.

What am I?
Who am I?
Where am I?
Am I normal?
Am I a man-
Or Am I an unseen species altogether?

Like a frog-
We perch on our own wells-
Afraid, scared.
Held by those walls
Of prejudices, judgement, notions and ideas-
We are lost,
Only to be found in our own echoes.

Consumed by the wish
To fit into a little box,
We create small rooms-
Often, without windows.

Shunning ourselves out of the little rooms-
We wish to be held back.
Comfortably numb, we sit;
Only to fall in a deeper slumber-
Losing ourselves,
While trying to define-
You, Me and They.

Just There.

You say
I chose everything.
Since childhood-
It was all about Me.

You say-
I never heard you.
I never sought to seek
What you felt.

You say-
I decided everything.
That, all that is happening-
Is all because of me.

Yes, I did.
I chose to be a human.
I chose to laugh.
I chose to make love.
I chose to have babies.

What I did not choose-
Was limits, boundaries, hatred.
What I did not listen-
Were your abuses.
What I did not decide-
Was my sex and my gender.

The way you did not have the choice
Of choosing-
Between a vagina or a penis-
I, too, did not have to make a choice-
Between being gay or straight.

I was just born
With a heart-to live,
With a mind- to think,
With a soul- to love-

I was just born.


P.S.: Being a homosexual is neither a phase nor a choice. Its just there- like everything else.

Exclusion.

Because all that I have
Is a heart-
A dream-
A moment-
A wish.

Like a fish-
I glide in the waters
Of my own questions-
No answers. None found.

The dull sea.
The grey of the water-
Surround me.
And what do I have?

Just another day-
To think, to die, to breathe.
None shall satisfy me-
There is no body so powerful-
What I have, I never gave away-

So even if you own-
Hector's armor-
My tears shall never be yours.

Claiming Myself.

I have a mind of my own.
I breathe by myself-
I can pull a chair for my comfort-
Well, I can pull for yours too.

I don't need you
To tell me how beautiful I am.
Though, I can help you
In building up any self esteem
That you might have lost.

Here, let me tell you this-
I can walk on my own foot,
I can pay my own bills.
Know that doing all this
Will not make you
A Womanly Man
Or me-
A Manly Woman.

I am a woman,
A female.
You don't complete me-
We compliment each other-
But, I can survive without you.

I can do things on my own.
I can smile, jump, cry, frown-
Without your help.
I am a Woman-
Complete in myself.

The Black Wine

I had just begun to enjoy the party. My black dress had begun to slip off my shoulder due to the relaxed posture I had assumed. Nobody seemed to notice me. Well, no one noticed me. I knew it. I knew the bliss of oblivion. I re-adjusted my little black dress, scratched my leg and started playing with the rim of the wine glass that I had planned to stick to for the rest of the evening. I didn't want to be here. That night, I wanted to be somewhere else, be someone else. I didn't know who. I didn't know where. Probably out there on the streets under the yellow lights where my face was partly visible but shining. That always gave me a high. I could feel the glamour of standing under the yellow light- all alone, while at the same time, feel the doom of darkness. Wait. Darkness is not doom. Its bliss. Pure, unadulterated state of consciousness and individuality - That is darkness. I shoved away my intimacy with the Unknown and goaded myself to come down to the world of coloured lights, coloured water and coloured people. I gulped down my wine in one shot.I I knew that I inhabited darkness and I remained sane there - Just there. I got up to go to washroom to re-adjust my black dress. It seemed to fall perfectly over my figure now that I stood. I felt my curves, pinched myself and then got ready to explore my other relationship with darkness. I checked my phone. Durga was calling me. It was then I knew- where I wanted to be, with whom I wanted to be, what I wanted to be. And I left the party with one strap off my shoulder for Durga. That night, I grew intimate with darkness. And the yellow streetlight? That is Durga, you see.